Alli (soylent_green13) wrote,

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oh boy, this one's a doosy.

Philip and I are considering moving in together. Sure, I thought he was going to be able to stay where he is until he finished school, but no. Because of bullshit that he and I can't control. He has to get a place and wants me to move in. I want to. I mean we're together all the time anyway. We're both confident where the relationship is going. It just pisses me off...I feel like other people are placing pressure on the relationship and should mind their own fucking business.

I told my mother about said moving in plan. I expected her to shit a brick. and she did. She says I'm missing out on my only chance to be really independent. What the fuck does that mean. No one is independent. Even if I got my "own place" I'd still have to have a roommate. I'd still have to freaking answer to another person. I was sort of excited earlier when all this was happening. Now I just have my mother's voice in my head talking about regretting or missing out on something. I know. I've thought about that. I've spent my entire life worried I was going to miss out on something. I've wasted a lot of time constantly worried about every fucking decision I make. Here's the catch: all that time I was supposed to be living...I was worrying.

I hate having people constantly placing doubt in my head. I'm not mad at my mom. really I'm not...she brings up good points and she loves me. I'm just tired. Tired of worrying and thinking over and over again what's going to happen, creating different scenarios in head about the way things "should be"- it never turns out that way. I'm plagued with daydreams of how things are going to be and should be. I'm not living in reality. Maybe I need to work on making my actual reality good. Live in the now instead of what may be.

My life so far hasn't been what I thought it'd be. I'm tired for feeling down on myself for what I have done. It's good stuff...really, my life has been good. I sometimes feel like my head is sabotaging my happiness.

My worst fear is waking up one day when I'm old and feeling like I spent my entire life up in my room daydreaming and talking to myself and creating a life in my head that isn't real. and then realizing that I have no time left.

I just needed to get some of that out.
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